Making Choices
We make numerous choices everyday. With some, we may spend enormous amount of time, and others, not even a split second. With some, we are content with the decisions, and others, we may feel as though we did not have much say in them.
The last few years of my life has been, for the lack of better words, difficult. Until then, I have to admit, things have come to me relatively easily. I had a sense of control in my life. I worked hard for what I wanted, and for the most part, I could get them. However, it hasn't been the case for the last few years, and I learned tremendously from them. I have learned how fortunate I have been in my life for having family that supports and loves me unconditionally, for having friends who are there for me for both good and bad times, and for opportunities I have had professionally.
About a year and a half ago, I made some decisions that changed my life. At the time, I felt the need to make those decisions to regain back who I used to be, to empower myself, and to have some control in my own life that I felt I did not have. Certainly, those were life altering changes, and I do not regret for a second that I have made those decisions at that particular moment in time, and how I made them. Looking back, I remember feeling as though that those decisions were made for me, and that I did not have much say in it if I wanted to pursue what I wanted in my life.
As I reflect back on it, I feel quite differently about it. Yes, it was true that I felt I didn't have much of a choice in the way I was making decision. Yes, it felt like it was now or never (and unfortunately, this to an extent still rings somewhat true, since I wouldn't be who I am now and exist in the way I do if I did not make those decisions). However, I now know that I had more say in the choices I have made. Whenever I think or say things like "I have to" or "I don't have a choice," I am more aware of the fact that either I put myself in that situation, or I have to reframe the situation so that I can regain the control I feel I do not have.
I feel thankful for what I have in my life. I have family and friends that I love and care deeply about, and I can't thank them enough for loving me and caring for me. I love what I do for living. I am lucky that I get to see everyday how I can be helpful for others, to see students grow, and to engage in research that could potentially impact others that I may not even know. I have never been someone who asked for much. What makes me happy is not anything big in life. They are usually things like stepping outside in the early morning and inhaling a fresh morning air, or saying hello to colleagues and listening to their concerns, or looking up the sky as I step outside of the office after a long day at work and spotting a beautiful moon. I also know that I'm more of a giver than a receiver. I've never been good at receiving compliments. I'm not good (or do not like) asking for help. And frankly, I do not ask much. Over the years, I have learned to rely on things I can provide for myself, and not expect much from others.
I have relatively been clear on what I have wanted in my life at crossroads I have faced. Although, had I realized that I had more say in choices that I have made, I may have chosen completely different paths, leading me to things that you cannot even imagine as part of my life knowing where I am now. From others, I know that I look as though I had everything I needed to get what I want, and I will have a hard time denying that too. I can also be stubborn at times, and may seem as though I may never change my mind on things. At the same time, I can be extremely flexible and understanding, almost to the point of not being conducive to my own well-being. At the end of the day, I am always reminded of the fact that I only have control over what I do. I cannot possibly fool myself into thinking that I have the power to convince others. What they think and feel can only be changed by them. I can only offer to be there for them and to listen, and maybe offer some pieces of advice if they want them. However, what if that is even being denied? What if your presence in their life is being questioned? Would I be able to convince a particular individual that I am worth the time and effort, taking some risks to get to know, and giving a benefit of the doubt? I know I can try... and believe me, I have, and I still do at my work, especially with students, because I feel professionally and personally responsible for their growth and well-being. However, in my personal life, I feel differently now. If I need to convince someone, chances are they have already made their decisions. I shouldn't have to convince anyone if they know who I really am and how I can be part of their lives.
The last few years of my life has been, for the lack of better words, difficult. Until then, I have to admit, things have come to me relatively easily. I had a sense of control in my life. I worked hard for what I wanted, and for the most part, I could get them. However, it hasn't been the case for the last few years, and I learned tremendously from them. I have learned how fortunate I have been in my life for having family that supports and loves me unconditionally, for having friends who are there for me for both good and bad times, and for opportunities I have had professionally.
About a year and a half ago, I made some decisions that changed my life. At the time, I felt the need to make those decisions to regain back who I used to be, to empower myself, and to have some control in my own life that I felt I did not have. Certainly, those were life altering changes, and I do not regret for a second that I have made those decisions at that particular moment in time, and how I made them. Looking back, I remember feeling as though that those decisions were made for me, and that I did not have much say in it if I wanted to pursue what I wanted in my life.
As I reflect back on it, I feel quite differently about it. Yes, it was true that I felt I didn't have much of a choice in the way I was making decision. Yes, it felt like it was now or never (and unfortunately, this to an extent still rings somewhat true, since I wouldn't be who I am now and exist in the way I do if I did not make those decisions). However, I now know that I had more say in the choices I have made. Whenever I think or say things like "I have to" or "I don't have a choice," I am more aware of the fact that either I put myself in that situation, or I have to reframe the situation so that I can regain the control I feel I do not have.
I feel thankful for what I have in my life. I have family and friends that I love and care deeply about, and I can't thank them enough for loving me and caring for me. I love what I do for living. I am lucky that I get to see everyday how I can be helpful for others, to see students grow, and to engage in research that could potentially impact others that I may not even know. I have never been someone who asked for much. What makes me happy is not anything big in life. They are usually things like stepping outside in the early morning and inhaling a fresh morning air, or saying hello to colleagues and listening to their concerns, or looking up the sky as I step outside of the office after a long day at work and spotting a beautiful moon. I also know that I'm more of a giver than a receiver. I've never been good at receiving compliments. I'm not good (or do not like) asking for help. And frankly, I do not ask much. Over the years, I have learned to rely on things I can provide for myself, and not expect much from others.
I have relatively been clear on what I have wanted in my life at crossroads I have faced. Although, had I realized that I had more say in choices that I have made, I may have chosen completely different paths, leading me to things that you cannot even imagine as part of my life knowing where I am now. From others, I know that I look as though I had everything I needed to get what I want, and I will have a hard time denying that too. I can also be stubborn at times, and may seem as though I may never change my mind on things. At the same time, I can be extremely flexible and understanding, almost to the point of not being conducive to my own well-being. At the end of the day, I am always reminded of the fact that I only have control over what I do. I cannot possibly fool myself into thinking that I have the power to convince others. What they think and feel can only be changed by them. I can only offer to be there for them and to listen, and maybe offer some pieces of advice if they want them. However, what if that is even being denied? What if your presence in their life is being questioned? Would I be able to convince a particular individual that I am worth the time and effort, taking some risks to get to know, and giving a benefit of the doubt? I know I can try... and believe me, I have, and I still do at my work, especially with students, because I feel professionally and personally responsible for their growth and well-being. However, in my personal life, I feel differently now. If I need to convince someone, chances are they have already made their decisions. I shouldn't have to convince anyone if they know who I really am and how I can be part of their lives.
posted by yukster @ 2:17 AM
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