Day 16: Message

When I met you, it was after a night of fun, me feeling a bit buzzed and feeling as those there was nothing in the world I needed to please. I don't have to pretend, I could just be. It was one of those nights where I was letting the world unfold itself in front of me without trying to stop it or trying to sway in one way or another. It was that night that I met you at the least expected place of all. Although we came up with a cover up story of how we have met, I concur with you that I kind of like the craziness of it all in how we met. It was surreal and it still is as I think of that night. I hope that whatever you saw in me that night is still there inside you.

Later on, you told me that you don't want to be the person to pay for someone else's sin. And I knew that I had to try hard sometimes to not let that happen. I certainly didn't want to make you pay for someone else's sin. However, we all have our past, and we make mistakes. We all have our sensitive spots, and some of my those spots unfortunately may not have healed. You also told me then, that you want to be a sunshine in my life. Did I tell you how much I love and appreciated that? I most probably didn't... because I'm not good at letting others know right away how much I appreciate what they said. You may not have meant much with it. It stayed with me ever since, and I told myself that I also want to be a sunshine in your life, that when you think of me, you smile. When you hear my voice, your mood lifts up. When something happens to you, that you would want to tell me.

All I know is that I haven't been your sunshine. I sense that something may have shifted, or maybe it hasn't. All I know is that both of us have been trying so hard with little success. All I know is that when I think of doing something, it was most probably better off if I didn't do those things. I do want to tell you though that they came with good intentions. However, the end results often included hurt feelings on both ends with things said that hurt you but also hurt me and made me regret. All I know is that we seem to be making things more difficult for each other than they are. Is it possible to change that now? Instead of rain or cloudy sky, can I bring you a crisp weather with a nice breeze?

As Hikaru Utada says, maybe only "Time will tell." Whatever you saw in me that night, I'm searching for it deep inside me. It's not gone. It wasn't imagination. It's just lost deep inside me.